"I want to do something that makes me feel like a man."

That's my sentiment. I wish I could pass, go somewhere public, like a mall, where people are always trying to talk to you (the salespeople) and just hear them say "Sir, would you like to try this out?" or "Sir, do you want this credit or debit?"
Unfortunately, there is nothing in this world I can do as of yet that can make me feel like a man. I wish my best friend was around; Sprout makes me feel, at least, like sex and gender are insignificant, and that if I'm a man, I'm a man. But he's not answering my text, and he's not online (what a surprise! He's not even on his online home, Tumblr!), and God, I hope he's not with Avalon. He was with Avalon last night, so I didn't want to go see him, because I get agitated whenever I even hear his name now. It just keeps getting worse.
My mom, my brother, and I went to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D today. I really like that movie, but when the end came, I found myself wishing it ended differently. I found myself rewriting a Disney classic in my head. I wanted Belle to be too late, for her confession to come just a second after the rose fell. And for all of the people cursed to remain as they were. That movie places a lot of emphasis on the concept of beauty, and it tries to stress that what's on the inside is more important. I feel like it would have supported that concept so much better if Beast had remained a beast. And it would have been so much more beautiful, but instead he had to conform to the traditional, "normal" sense of "beautiful."
Hanging out with my family all day made me realize that neither of them will ever accept me as a man. The whole time they would be like, "you're a GIRL, stop acting like a boy, because you're not!" and they mean it as harmless teasing, but I want to punch my brother every time he says it. The only problem is my wrists will hurt me more than my punch will hurt him (stupid carpal tunnel; I can't wait for surgery!). He said something at one point that made me almost cry. He told me I looked like a boy with my short haircut, then turned around and said "But it's fake, because you're a giiiirrrrllll!" It's like any effort I put towards transitioning is fake, that even when I get surgery, my body will be medically constructed, and it'll be fake. I know this is not and will not be true for me, but I don't want others to think of me like that.
I decided long ago that anyone who wouldn't accept me, anyone who insisted on calling me "Sami" or "she" after my transition was complete wasn't worth being in my life. And I would cut those people out of my life forever. I don't want to lose my mom and my brother, or Avalon (I can't say he doesn't matter to me, even if I am mad at him), but if it comes to that, I feel like I have no choice.
This brings me to another point of mine. A friend of mine who is MTF is talking about getting an orchiectomy like it's not a big deal, and it seems like it might be so much easier for her to get that surgery than it will ever be for me to get a hysterectomy. (Then again, everything seems easier for her because her family has money, and I couldn't even afford to see the doctor, until I got health insurance that will go away in March and a job.) Sprout's mom was denied a hysterectomy and she as 46, and about to go through menopause! So my question for society, I guess, is: Why is it so much less acceptable for a woman (or female-born person) to become infertile?